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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
next level snooze
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.