Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
shit just got real
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
english majors be like furthermore
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.