Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
79.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class