One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Phones down.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?