The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.