The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.