If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75