LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*