if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*