“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
A game married people play.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?