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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight