They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
You Might Also Like
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend