My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I didn’t come here to be called names
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney