The old gods are rising again.
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me