Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁