For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
LOL
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!