The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You Might Also Like
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Yup!
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*