A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird