My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
You Might Also Like
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
guys I’m going home
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do