Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place