The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.