[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.