Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
You Might Also Like
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*