How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
You Might Also Like
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
accurate
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names