I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.