Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are