With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.