Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Catering service
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Oh we’ve met.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that