Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My new favorite headline
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.