Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[eats all your cotton candy]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK