my first dose meeting my second
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What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Safety first
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.