MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.