“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.