Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
God, I love Scotland
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)