You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend