Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
All. The. Damn. Time.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.