*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
The glockness monster
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you