If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
A choir of Spring onions
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs