Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.