Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!