This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Goat cheese is for herders.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Who.
Did.
This?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
what my late-night hot pocket sees