“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Not messing around
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
TEETH IS INNOCENT
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago