Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
You Might Also Like
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.