Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
lmfao
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!