Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My life in a nutshell
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]