I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Truth
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.