“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Chicago sounds lovely.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something