The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
🤣
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*