Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.