6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Lmao the reply
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?